A Nation Worth Ranting About Read online

  And believe me, they’re out of control. I get embarrassed watching Question Period live, and I’ve been naked on national television. Imagine going in to your office or your workplace tomorrow, and the minute you see anyone you don’t like, you just start yelling and screaming like a lunatic. You’d be fired. And there’s a reason. Because when people act like that, nothing gets done at work. It’s not acceptable in any Canadian workplace. Why is it acceptable on Parliament Hill?

  There is a solution: cameras. Cameras in the House of Commons. Not just on the people who are supposed to be talking, but on everyone else. The MPs, of course, would say, “Cameras? That’s terrible. You’re treating us like criminals or children.” And yes, we would be. And hell, every time I go into the subway I’m on a camera. If Parliament were fitted with them too, whenever MPs decided to disrupt Parliament intentionally by acting like idiots, the entire country could see them doing it. And then maybe, just maybe, the bad acting would disappear and we’d finally get a show that makes us proud.

  With the women of the Montreal Roller Derby League.

  Rick: “I didn’t mean to touch that many bums, but it was just—it’s a lot of bums in there.”

  Player: “It’s one of the key benefits of the sport.”

  HOW TO CHOOSE A LOSER

  October 21, 2008

  The week or so after a federal election is a period of reflection for political parties. As we speak, the Conservatives might be saying, “Wow, I guess we just didn’t give enough to Quebec—maybe we should give them more.” And the NDP might be saying, “Yes! We did it. We came in last. For the sixteenth time in a row. Well done, people.” And for the Liberals? How do I put this nicely? Let’s just say it’s pretty clear at this point that nobody will ever make a movie of the week about Stéphane Dion. Not even a fully funded CBC.

  In politics, of course, people lose all the time. But it always comes as a huge shock to the Liberals, because they like to believe they are the natural governing party of Canada. That’s a phrase that harkens back to 1896—and nothing much in the party has changed since.

  Look at the way the Liberals choose a leader. Members of the party don’t actually get to vote for the leader—oh no, no, no, that would be madness. Instead, they choose a delegate. And when they choose their delegate, they hoist them up on their shoulders and they march them down to the train station and then send them off to Montreal somewhere. And then, three days later, some guy named Gerard Kennedy makes a backroom deal and then, suddenly, the guy in third place who can’t communicate becomes the leader. Then there’s an election. Then they lose.

  Here’s an idea. From now on, how about members of the party actually get to vote for the leader? And instead of these old fashioned multimillion-dollar conventions, do it on the Internet. Hell, you can do your banking on it, you can buy a kidney on it—surely to God you can figure out a way to vote for the leader of a political party on it.

  The point is, if the Liberal Party ever wants to be relevant ever again, it’s time for them to rebuild that party from the ground up. Which is a nice way of saying it’s time to break out the Bic lighter and the gasoline. And the beauty of it is, the time is now—because no matter what changes they make, they can’t screw it up any more than it is already.

  WHO’S IT GONNA BE?

  October 28, 2008

  In these uncertain economic times, it’s nice to know that some things do not change. The leaves turn. The snow falls. And then there’s a Liberal leadership convention.

  The smart money says this will be an epic battle between Michael Ignatieff and Bob Rae. Some sort of unavoidable, preordained fight to the death that was first prophesied in ancient scripture. And if the entire party is destroyed in the process, then so be it. Which is why a lot of Liberals are once again looking for that long-shot candidate who can sneak up the middle and stop them all from being annihilated. Justin Trudeau. Will he run? I have no idea. But I know this: mere mortals such as you or me cannot believe the pressure he is under to run. A lot of Liberals out there, they see Justin Trudeau and go mushy in the head. And when you tell them that he has no experience in politics, they say it doesn’t matter, he grew up around it.

  Now, this I understand. My father worked for the Department of Fisheries and Oceans for twenty years, and I cannot tell you how many times complete strangers have suggested that I should be put in charge of turbot fish quotas.

  And then there’s Gerard Kennedy. Hi, remember me? I’m the guy who gave you Dion. Now for the Liberals to go with Kennedy at this point … that’s a bit like necking with the guy at the office Christmas party that gave you the cold sore—twice. But hey, stranger things have happened. And then, of course, there’s the dream of the white knight. Will a Frank McKenna just show up out of the blue and save the party? Now, this is interesting, because usually, in most countries, when they’re talking about dream candidates, they throw around adjectives like brilliant, charismatic, dynamic. Whereas in Canada, only one adjective counts: bilingual. Yeah, Barack Obama wouldn’t cut it up here.

  But to any Liberals out there who can’t make up their minds, I say, don’t worry—at the rate your party is going, with three leadership conventions in five years, eventually, everyone’s going to get a turn.

  Skating with Tie Domi on Battle of the Blades, at Maple Leaf Gardens, Toronto.

  Guest judge Don Cherry (wiping away a tear): “Oh, that was beautiful. Mercer and Domi—poetry on ice.”

  FATTER AND DUMBER

  November 4, 2008

  Stephen Harper has at last ended speculation and named a new cabinet. And my goodness, the tough decisions he had to make. I mean, there he was, elected in the middle of an unprecedented global economic meltdown, with the promise that he would never increase spending, with the promise that he would never bring us into deficit, and what’s the very first thing he does? Increase his cabinet by six members. Stephen Harper now has thirty-eight cabinet ministers. In 1993, Jean Chrétien had twenty-three.

  This is why Canadians hate politicians. In the light of what is going on in the world right now, there is not a Canadian out there who runs a business, a charity or a household who didn’t sit down this month and say, “You know what? I’ve got to figure out how to cut costs.” And they did—except for Stephen Harper, who said, “Six new Tories get a $75,000-a-year raise, plus limos.”

  Stephen, here’s an idea: if you really want to make room in cabinet for new people, why don’t you just fire all the old cabinet ministers who were lousy at their jobs? There’s plenty of them.

  Remember, folks, this is the government whose Minister of Health was unavailable for comment for five weeks when Canadians started dropping dead from eating sandwiches. But don’t worry. He got a big promotion. So who got demoted? I love this. Jim Prentice.

  Why Jim Prentice? Because Jim is the guy that all the Tories secretly talk about as replacing Stephen Harper someday. Because everyone knows that Jim is the smartest guy in caucus, and plus, people like him.

  So what did Stephen Harper give to him? Minister of the Environment. Which, with this crowd, in this government, is the same as being Minister of Your Career Is Now Dead. So here we are, folks. We elected a man who promised that he would put a firm hand on the tiller. And he certainly has. Except the ship just got fatter and dumber.

  CLASH OF THE TITANS

  November 18, 2008

  So, the Liberal leadership race is well underway and looks like it’ll be a clash of the titans. Michael Ignatieff vs. Bob Rae—and the wild card being that young fellow Dominic Leblanc.

  Now, this is a leaner, meaner race than in 2006, and both front-runners are in a far better position than they were then. In 2006, the Tories ran a vicious stealth campaign against Bob Rae, accusing him of being in power during a recession. Well, the Tories now have their own recession and their own deficits to deal with.

  Back then, they accused Ignatieff of being an outsider. This time around, the man has a Canadian driver’s licence. And he know
s the difference between the Calgary Stampede and Blue Rodeo. That’s gotta help.

  But the big news for the cash-strapped Liberal Party is that this time around, both Bob Rae and Michael Ignatieff are in their sixties. Which means if they campaign by train, they’re now eligible for the VIA Rail seniors’ discount. Dominic Leblanc won’t be able to do that for another twenty years. Which reminds me: who the hell is Dominic Leblanc, anyway? All I really know about the guy is that he’s got more experience in the House of Commons than Bob Rae and Michael Ignatieff combined, and the Tories want him to win because he has a French last name and a horrible secret.

  The secret? He studied law at Harvard—which, according to the Conservatives, is a huge character flaw. Yes, apparently we’re now a nation that lies awake at night, terrified that our children might want to go to a really good university.

  Oh—and the other thing about Dominic Leblanc is that, like Bob Rae and Michael Ignatieff, he’s a very good speaker in not one, but two official languages. So no matter who wins, the Tories are in for a few sleepless nights as well.

  SNOW TIRES

  November 25, 2008

  I’m one of those Canadians who like winter. Sure, I think it lasts too long, but still I like to see it coming. So when we had the first snowfall here in Toronto, I went for a walk. And with the snowflakes gently falling against the streetlights, I wandered around the city for about half an hour and I enjoyed the sights and sounds of thirteen fender-benders in nine languages.

  Yes, it was a winter wonderland, interrupted only when some guy in an Audi locked up his brakes and slid headfirst into a telephone pole about three feet from my legs.

  Then he jumped out and said, “Don’t move! I might need a witness.” And I’m thinking, What’s he need a witness for? What’s he gonna do, say it wasn’t his fault, that the pole jumped in front of his car? And then, when I asked him later if he had snow tires on, he looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “I don’t need snow tires—I’ve got all-season radials.”

  This is what I want to know. How can a guy be smart enough to have a job that lets him drive a $59,000 car and be stupid enough to say he doesn’t need snow tires when he’s standing next to his Audi that’s wrapped around a pole? This is Canada. There’s no such thing as all-season tires, just like there’s no such thing as all-season footwear. There is in southern California. They’re called flip-flops. You wear them in all seasons up here, you’ll end up with no feet.

  The first sign of flurries in Toronto, the entire place becomes a bumper-car track. No exaggeration—the provincial police said there were nine hundred fender-benders in Toronto in the first five centimetres of snow. This is a crisis, Ontario. There’s no shame in being a have-not province; being a can’t-drive province—that’s just embarrassing.

  Driving in the snow is like sex. If you want to avoid accidents, abstinence is the best policy. But if you’re going to take a spin, use protection.

  BAD MAN IN A CRISIS

  December 2, 2008

  We might as well get it over with and admit it: Stephen Harper is a genius. Here we are in the midst of a global economic crisis. Nations all over the world are desperately trying to help their citizens—who are terrified. We have seen unheard-of acts of co-operation among political rivals all over the industrialized world.

  Not in Canada. Not with Stephen Harper. Not on his watch. No, my friends, Stephen Harper has one goal and one goal only, and it has nothing to do with governing: How could he use this crisis to destroy the Opposition? And wouldn’t you know it, he almost did it.

  Harper decided Canada didn’t need any kind of economic stimulus. Oh no, all we needed to do was cancel the subsidies to political parties—a move that would have saved about $26 million. Or about the same amount of money that Harper now spends every year on bodyguards when he travels to danger zones like Thunder Bay or Nunavut.

  But of course, the real upside for Harper in all of this was that it would have destroyed or crippled the Opposition. It gives me great faith, knowing that as our economy collapses, Harper is on the job, coming up with new and innovative ways to interfere with the Green Party’s office budget and bankrupt the Liberals. And who knows, maybe then the world will be a better place.

  Maybe he has a point. Maybe that’s why Canada won’t give this guy a majority. It’s not because he’s a mean little man obsessed with revenge, it’s because we just have too many choices. We walk into the voting booth, we get confused. It’s kind of like that first trip to Baskin Robbins. Maybe we’d all be better off if Conservative was the only flavour on the menu.

  Well, we almost found out. Because if Harper had gotten away with this, democracy in this country would have changed forever. And not a single citizen would have voted on the matter.

  Guest starring on the Weather Network in Oakville, Ontario.

  Rick: “And then we have St. John’s, Newfoundland, of course … and it’s freezing and Dad’s complaining about the weather and I’ve never heard him complain before, so that can’t be good. Plus, his leg hurts.”

  FORGIVE THEM, CANADA

  The Globe and Mail, December 6, 2008

  Not long after Stephen Harper took office as Canada’s twenty-second prime minister, a polar bear was born at the Berlin Zoo. Known as Knut, the cub was rejected by his mother, and so was nursed by human beings. Now, two years later, animal psychologists say that he has become so addicted to human laughter and applause that the instant those things disappear, he becomes desolate and cries for attention. This has led to irrational behaviour never before seen in a polar bear. Experts fear that, without constant applause, Knut could lose the will to live.

  Enter Stephen Harper.

  During the past week, while the nation wondered if the government would fall, junior Conservative staffers were ordered to be outside 24 Sussex Drive by six-fifteen in the morning. Their job was to stand there in the dark, with the temperature well below zero, and wait for the PM to appear. Their instructions were to applaud, wave and sing “O Canada” loudly as the motorcade pulled out of the gates and drove Stephen Harper to work.

  Harper, by all accounts, actually believed that the young people were there of their own accord and represented a groundswell of love and support for his actions. Staffers in the Prime Minister’s Office know that he is easier to handle when being applauded and not questioned. This way, nobody has to suffer at the hands of the inconsolable bear.

  Enter Stéphane Dion.

  Dion is a humiliated and beaten man. Nothing prepared him for the thrashing he took in the last election, and the subsequent rejection by his own party just made matters worse. For him, the applause and cheering stopped a long time ago. Given the chance to exact revenge, he seized it.

  And so, is it any surprise that these damaged, needy men are the architects of a parliamentary crisis the likes of which we have never seen? With leaders like this, we shouldn’t be blamed for asking, “Why bother?”

  If this Parliament were a dog, it would be brought out behind the shed and shot. Rabid dogs aren’t prorogued, reformed or trusted.

  At first, this little crisis in Ottawa was good, old-fashioned fun—blood sport for political junkies that made for great entertainment.

  It began, of course, with the government’s economic statement, a colossal misstep for Stephen Harper. The nastiness and partisanship caught everyone off guard. Sane cabinet ministers had to grin and bear it as the leader revealed a strategy that not only highlighted the very worst elements of his personality, but reinforced the nagging cliché that this Conservative Party cares more about inflicting pain on those they dislike than offering support for anyone in need.

  Harper, the self-professed master strategist, figured this was one game of hardball he could not lose, but then a funny thing happened on the way to the vote in the House of Commons.

  Dion may lack the basic skills needed by all political leaders, but he has a grasp of basic math, something the PM, an economist, seems to have lost. Dion crunched
the numbers and realized that not only could the government fall, he could even become prime minister. Revenge like that comes once in five lifetimes.

  In theory, a coalition could work. If aliens from outer space were running roughshod over the country, perhaps a Liberal, a socialist and a separatist could put their differences aside and work together to defeat the alien overlords. A global economic crisis, however, is probably not enough for these three wildly divergent visions of Canada to gel.

  But whether the coalition can or will survive is irrelevant; what matters is that it can oust the PM.

  Stephen Harper loves being the Prime Minister of Canada. Since he came to power, the motorcades have got longer, the office more presidential, the trappings more grand. The idea that he could suddenly find himself standing in line at the airport with regular Canadians, photo ID at the ready, attempting to board a Jazz flight to Moncton so he can explain to party faithful why he now travels in a Jiffy Taxi gnaws at his very being.

  Knut the polar bear could not survive such a humiliation, and neither could Harper. So he slapped his finance minister and tore up the economic update; he blinked and backtracked—behaviour not before seen in this political animal.