A Nation Worth Ranting About Read online

  COPYRIGHT © 2012 RICK MERCER

  All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication, reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system without the prior written consent of the publisher—or in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, license from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency—is an infringement of the copyright law.

  Doubleday Canada and colophon are registered trademarks

  LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING IN PUBLICATION

  Mercer, Rick, 1969-

  A nation worth ranting about : Rick Mercer report from across Canada / Rick Mercer.

  eISBN: 978-0-385-67681-6

  1. Canada–Politics and government--2006- --Humor. 2. Mercer, Rick, 1969- --Anecdotes. 3. Rick Mercer report (Television program). 4. Canadian wit and humor (English). I. Title.

  FC173.M464 2012 971.07′3 C2012-902378-7

  Cover image: © Christopher Mason/wenn.com

  Photos (except this page–this page and this page) © Rick Mercer Report

  Published in Canada by Doubleday Canada,

  a division of Random House of Canada Limited

  Visit Random House of Canada Limited’s website:

  www.randomhouse.ca

  v3.1

  For Pat and Ken Mercer:

  Dad for loving politics and Mom for loving saucy.

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Introduction

  RANTS AND REFLECTIONS:

  Promise of Bloodshed

  They Don’t Care About Students

  Vote Mob? What’s a Vote Mob?

  Let’s See What They’re Up To

  How to Choose a Loser

  Who’s It Gonna Be?

  Fatter and Dumber

  Clash of the Titans

  Snow Tires

  Bad Man in a Crisis

  Forgive Them, Canada

  Asleep at the Wheel

  Obama’s Example

  Spending in Secret

  Bungee Jumping with Rick Hansen: The Full Story

  Budget Drama

  Best Behaviour

  Nobody Wants an Election

  Come Out Swinging, Please

  Vegetables and Primates

  How Could He Have Known?

  Flu Confusion

  The Shovels Are Out

  Don’t Panic

  Heir Today

  Deliver Us from This Garbage

  How to Use an Escalator

  Loan Sharks

  Tories Plunge in Polls

  Political Props

  An Assault on Us All

  Here’s to Team Canada

  Olympian Inspiration

  Throne Off

  Who You Know

  Webcam ’Em

  Going Nowhere

  Divide and Conquer

  Don’t Worry About Harper

  Jamie Hubley: A Problem Worth Ranting About

  Letting Down Veterans

  The World Doesn’t Like Us

  Remember to Remember

  None of Our Business

  Killed Without Debate

  Scanners

  New Cabinet

  Iggy on Tour

  Who Approved this Message?

  Snow Days

  Mr. Harper, Are You on Your Meds?

  They Live for Campaigning

  A New Canadian Perspective

  This Changes Everything

  The Urge to Merge

  Canada Kills

  A Lesson in Irony

  Keep Calm and Carry On

  On the Fence

  Bigger Isn’t Always Better

  Heads Up

  Time to Close the Commons

  On Liberty and Balls

  Prime Minister Dad

  Pension Tension

  The Race to Disengagement

  Root’n Toot’n Rob

  Vic Likes to Watch

  The Bar Sinks Lower

  Who’s the Guilty Party?

  Public Service Announcement

  We Need More Schools Like This

  ENCOUNTERS AND EXPLOITS:

  With Paralympic Cross-Country Skiers Brian and Robin McKeever

  Sitting in as Speaker in Ottawa

  Vote Mob? What’s a Vote Mob?

  With the Women of the Montreal Roller Derby League

  Skating with Tie Domi at Maple Leaf Gardens

  Guest Starring on the Weather Network

  With Jann Arden on the CN Tower Edgewalk

  With Officers and Cadets of the RCMP, Regina

  With the Ice Pilots of Buffalo Air

  With Governor General David Johnson

  Carriage Racing in Calgary

  In the Bay of Fundy with Measha Brueggergosman

  At the Canadian Western Agribition, Regina

  In the Santa Claus Parade, Toronto

  With Kyle Shewfelt at the Olympic Oval

  Volunteering at the Humane Society in Charlottetown, P.E.I.

  Installing Solar Panels with Mike Holmes

  Flying a Harvard at the Windsor Air Show

  With Canada’s National Rugby Team

  With Allan Hawco in St. John’s

  With Danielle Smith at West Edmonton Mall

  Ice Canoeing in Quebec City

  With the Bison of Elk Island National Park, Alberta

  Following Fashion Week with Jeanne Beker

  Shooting the Rapids on the Kananaskis River

  At the Vancouver Circus School with Ryan Knighton

  At the 35th Annual Canadian Finals Rodeo, Edmonton

  In the Ring with George Chuvalo

  With Ace Walker and Rick Forney of the Winnipeg Goldeyes

  At Fanshawe Pioneer Village

  Snorkelling with Salmon in the Campbell River

  Spread the Net Student Challenge

  Acknowledgements

  In Whistler, B.C., with Paralympic Cross-Country Skiers Brian and Robin McKeever

  Robin: “We’re going to get Brian to guide you.”

  Brian: “The blind leading the blind.”

  Introduction

  I have the greatest job in the country. And don’t just take my word for it; I have received thousands of emails from ten-year-old boys telling me so.

  With the launch of the Rick Mercer Report, I did not set out to work through my bucket list on national TV, but that is basically what happened. It’s been a great journey.

  I vividly remember, as a young boy, watching a film of an astronaut experiencing zero gravity in a NASA plane. In the film, it was made abundantly clear that the only people who would ever experience the wonder of zero gravity were the brave men and women of the space program. I pledged then and there that someday, come hell or high water, I would be a member of that program—I too would know the feeling of floating weightless high above the earth. I too would be an astronaut. When I proudly announced my ambition to the class, Miss Barnes said, “Not with your math marks, buster,” and my dream fell to earth.

  A greater man than I would have ignored those comments, studied hard, excelled at mathematics and science and made it into the space program, but I am not that kind of man. More than likely, I spotted something shiny and became distracted. Long story short, I never excelled at math, I went into comedy, got a TV show, and next thing you know, I was in an airplane operated by the Canadian Space Agency, experiencing zero gravity high above the nation’s capital. Not a bad day at the office.

  Of course, every week does not bring a bucket-list adventure. There are some adventures I would consider quite the opposite—jumping off a wharf half naked into t
he Atlantic Ocean in January comes to mind. But as always, despite any initial reservations I might have had about actually taking part, I don’t regret it. Why? Because of the people I met along the way, every one of them great Canadians with no sense of feeling in their extremities.

  Even after all these years, I am constantly amazed at the things I am allowed to do on my show. I am amazed at the quality of people I get to interview.

  Take sports, for example. I have no business training with, competing against or fetching towels for the great athletes I have had the pleasure of interviewing. I am thinking in particular of Canada’s amateur athletes, our Olympians and Paralympians. They are just straight-up good people. To witness the level of commitment these people have to their individual sports is truly astounding. Other than eating or sleeping, I’ve never come close to being as committed to anything in my entire life. Sure, the idea of being an Olympian is appealing—you represent your country on the world stage, you work to the point of physical exhaustion every day and you earn the salary of a hobo. And let’s not forget that if it works out, you might get your picture taken with the Prime Minister or land a public service announcement.

  I’ve particularly enjoyed my time with the many Paralympians who have come on the show. I am proud to say I have been beaten and humiliated in multiple sports by athletes missing every combination of limbs imaginable. And then there are the paraplegics and quadriplegics. They are the ones that leave the big bruises. Watching a game of wheelchair rugby will change forever the way you perceive anyone suffering from any form or paralysis—turns out they are happiest crashing into each other. I had no idea. Stealing a handicapped parking space is not just rude—if a member of Canada’s wheelchair rugby team catches you in the act, it may be the last thing you ever do.

  It’s no surprise, really, that they are always fun and self-deprecating interviews. They have all had huge challenges in their lives and not only succeeded in life, but managed to become elite athletes. With everything they have had thrown at them, they are not the type of people who are about to be intimidated by a short man with a giant head and a TV camera.

  I’m referring to athletes like Josh Dueck, who broke his back in a skiing accident in his teens. He woke up in a hospital to a doctor telling him he was still going to tear up the ski hill, but he was going to be doing it sitting down. I think I would have headed to the bar, but Dueck actually took him up on his challenge and within months was back on the hill. Since then, he has gone on to be a world champion sit-skier, tearing up mountains all over the world.

  I can’t tell you how many brilliant adventures I have had with the Canadian Forces all over Canada and overseas. I have interviewed countless soldiers and have had the opportunity to do everything from skydiving with the SkyHawks to crushing a car with a tank. In fact, I was a little put out when the news broke that Defence Minister Peter MacKay had been airlifted in a Cormorant helicopter from a fishing lodge on the Gander River. I thought, “Whoa, he’s doing my act.” You don’t see me running out and marrying Miss World.

  I’m also always amazed, when I look back at past shows, at how many vehicles I have been able to drive. In my normal life I rarely drive a car, and when I do, it’s an automatic. And yet when I go to work, I get to do donuts in a hovercraft on the St. Lawrence River. I’ve driven stock cars, race cars, forklifts and tugboats. I have taken part in a race where three stock cars are chained together and they race against other teams of stock cars chained together. Only one car in each group of cars is allowed to have brakes. The event is called the train of death. If you take away anything from reading this book, let it be this: if anyone ever asks you to sign up for an event called “the train of death,” do not do it. “Train of death” is not just a figure of speech to be ignored, like “Warning—High Voltage.”

  Over the years, though, the kind of adventures that I have taken part in has changed. In the old days, I was always eager to have a politician on the show. I love politics and I have always enjoyed getting a cabinet minister or a prime minister to step outside their comfort zone on TV. This has proved more difficult of late, with the advent of the electrical shock collars that the Prime Minister’s Office insists that all cabinet ministers wear under their trousers. Not only does it make for a boring interview, but when some kid in the PMO pushes the button that emits the shock to the minister, it interferes with our microphones. As a result, I have basically stopped talking to cabinet ministers. Instead, I decided I would much prefer to interview a lobster fisherman or a cowboy. It was a good call; turns out Canadians like lobster fishermen and cowboys way better than politicians, and unlike politicians, they are funny and have an opinion.

  So while I have almost stopped talking to politicians face to face, I continue to talk about them behind their backs. Well, some would say “talk.” I would say “rant.”

  I do love to rant.

  In fact, my name is Rick and I am a rantaholic.

  A good rant is fun. A good rant is cathartic. Ranting is what keeps me sane.

  The rants always come from a different place. Take the Prime Minister, for example. Sometimes when I rant about him, I am angry; other times, I am just severely annoyed—it’s an important distinction.

  I feel about ranting the same way the feeble-minded feel about jogging. They just don’t feel complete unless they get their 10k in before breakfast. I think more Canadians should rant. It would make for a noisier but happier place. I encourage all of you to do so.

  And don’t feel bad if there is nobody to rant at. I rant alone all the time.

  In fact, if my life had turned out differently and I wasn’t on TV, I would still rant. I would just be that guy in the sales office who never shuts up.

  Dear Sir or Madam,

  I called your office to inquire about the availability of the two-bedroom townhouse listed on your website. The man who answered the phone refused to tell me what kind of flooring was in the property, as he was too busy yelling, “Do you realize John Baird has never had a real job?” and “How can they call themselves accountable—they run the Prime Minister’s Office like it’s a bloody secret society from the 1600s.” Could you please tell me what kind of flooring is in the unit?

  Thank you.

  P.S. I checked online and I cannot find any evidence that John Baird has ever held a job in the private sector. I called the Prime Minister’s Office to confirm, and they suggested I was an enemy of the state and a lover of all things Taliban.

  Yours truly,

  The Reverend Margaret Smith (retired)

  Belleville, Ontario

  Ranting is something I have always done, and I daresay I always will. Note to reader: in forty-five years, you do not want to have the bed next to me at the Performing Arts Retirement Lodge—if the soup is not up to scratch, I will be ranting about it.

  Nothing makes me happier than knowing that I not only get to rant but am fortunate enough to have an audience.

  It’s a cliché to say that the secret to happiness is to find what it is you love and then figure out a way to make a living at it, but it is true. I’ve found myself saying this very same thing on stage while looking out at hundreds of eager university graduates in cap and gown. All the while, my internal monologue is saying, “Cripes, Rick, did you actually say that?”

  And yet I carry on. “Canada is one of the greatest countries on earth. Do yourself a favour and get to know your country. Don’t just visit its cities. Sure, stand at the top of the CN Tower someday, but make sure you stand above Canada’s treeline too. I am a lucky man: every week I get to visit a new part of Canada, and every week I fall more and more in love with the country. The more you explore Canada, the more you will fall in love with it, too, and because we fight for what we love, this will make for a stronger country. This is not just a suggestion I am making; it is an obligation on your part.”

  It’s a wonderful feeling being able to offer such sage advice to the next generation at a graduation ceremony, to look down at them
and see in one room such hope, such promise, such crippling personal debt.

  I know from experience I will see these young people again. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been getting a coffee at Tim Hortons or having my ticket checked at Empire Cinemas, and the young man or woman in the polyester uniform will say, “Hey, you spoke at my graduation three years ago, when I got my master’s degree in chemical engineering.”

  If time permits, I will reach out, pat them on the shoulder and ask, “Was I funny?” But I know this human contact will inevitably lead to my holding them in my arms, right there in the lobby or over the counter, rocking them gently as they sob uncontrollably over their future. “Don’t worry,” I say. “Tony Clement just assured Canadians again this morning that all job losses from the recession have been made up for, and it looks like you have one—congratulations!” This usually makes them feel better. Also, I carry around a business card that lists, in great length and detail, the various tax breaks and incentives that the government has introduced over the years to better insure their futures. English on one side, French on the other—both official languages.

  I hope you enjoy this collection of rants and essays.

  If you find that I say one thing on page 26 and the complete opposite on 72, please do not be alarmed. Simply pick the opinion that you prefer and know in your hearts that it is mine as well.

  And I encourage you, the next time you see something you do not agree with, the next time you pick up a newspaper and you feel your blood boil, not to let it simmer. Rant and be merry. And rant about what you love. That’s what I do.

  Hence, the title of this book: A Nation Worth Ranting About. I believe that now more than ever.

  PROMISE OF BLOODSHED

  September 30, 2008

  So here we are, halfway through the campaign and just two nights away from the English-language leaders’ debate. I know, like me, you can barely sleep. Think about it. Five individuals sitting around a table. They’re going to be hot, they’re going to be grumpy, they’re going to be sitting next to people they don’t even like. Throw in a turkey and it might as well be Thanksgiving.

  I’m hoping for tears. And the drama’s already there, starting with the Prime Minister.