Rick Mercer Report Read online

  Well that may be true, but the problem is that when the Liberals run a convention, that's all Canadians get to do: watch from the sidelines. And politics, when it works, shouldn't be a spectator sport.

  RUN, FORTIER, RUN | OCT. 31, 2006

  After the last election Stephen Harper got a lot of grief for taking a guy who had never been elected and putting him into cabinet. And sure that looks bad, but it makes sense that in extraordinary circumstances a prime minister should be allowed to appoint non-elected people to cabinet. Imagine if Canada was at war and nobody in the House of Commons happened to have any experience with the army. It makes sense that the prime minister should be able to go out and find experts on the military and put them in cabinet.

  Or imagine for a second you're Stephen Harper. You form a government only to find out that most of your MPs aren't smart enough to be cabinet ministers. So of course you've got to have the right to be able to call up your buddy from Montreal and give him the big job. Which is exactly what Stephen Harper did. He called up Michael Fortier, private citizen, and made him a cabinet minister.

  You know, that's a very good gig. The man has never been elected to anything, and all of a sudden the rest of us are supposed to refer to him as “the Honourable Michael Fortier” for the rest of his natural life. And when, God forbid, he passes away, the flag on the Peace Tower will be lowered to half mast to honour Michael Fortier's contribution to democracy. It's very touching.

  I'm not saying this was easy for Stephen Harper. It must be hard to look all your MPs in the eye and tell them they're imbeciles. And imagine that you were elected to the House of Commons, your party formed the government, and then your leader let you know you had a better chance of picking up a disability cheque based on your own mental incompetence than you ever did of seeing a minister's salary. That's what you call a tough day at the office.

  But that was the situation we were in, Canada. Stephen Harper wanted a smart person from Montreal in his cabinet, he didn't have one, so he had to appoint one.

  But that was then, and as of right now there is a seat wide open in Montreal. Except Michael Fortier says he doesn't want it. Well, I'm sorry, Michael, the prime minister has called a by-election and the people of Montreal are going to the polls. This is a democracy, baby; this is what it's all about. If you want to keep your seat in the Canadian cabinet, it's time you got a seat in the Canadian House of Commons.

  It's one thing for the prime minister to ignore his MPs, that's his right. But no prime minister has the right to ignore the will of the people.

  The people of Montreal are going to the polls. The definition of democracy is “one woman, one man, one vote.” It's time for Michael Fortier to be man enough to ask the people of Montreal for theirs.

  WHO POLLS THE POLLSTERS? | FEB. 26, 2008

  Newspapers and newscasts love polls. Every single day we wake up, there's a brand-new set of numbers telling us what the average Canadian thinks, how the average Canadian is going to vote. I find it very entertaining. One minute Harper's numbers are down, the next minute they're up. Same with Dion—one minute they're down, the next minute, well, they're usually down, but you get my point.

  But they're not just entertaining. Believe it or not, polls actually matter. Governments decide when they're going to have elections based on the polls. Public policy is dictated by polls, and sometimes Canadians decide how they're going to vote based on the polls. The problem is, it's very easy for the average Canadian to avoid being polled; because, while polling has not changed since the 1960s, the average Canadian certainly has.

  For starters, these polling companies, they only call land lines. They don't call cellphones. So right off the bat, if you're under the age of thirty, you don't get called. Your opinion doesn't count. And then of course a lot of Canadians, I'd go so far as to say the average Canadian, just doesn't like to pick up the phone if they don't know who's on the other line. That's why God created call display. And keep in mind, most of these calls are made in the evening between five and nine p.m. So if you have a social life or small kids, or you do shift work, or you happen to like Jeopardy, your opinion doesn't count.

  Now personally, I would love to be polled. I've been waiting for that phone call for fifteen years—the phone has never rung. Granted, I would spend the entire time lying and saying things like “I believe the Green party is best suited to manage the economy,” but at least I'd take the call. Everyone else I know, they'd just hang up.

  So who are these people? Who's taking the calls? Who are these people that are affecting public policy? I have no idea, but I know this: when it comes to polling, the average Canadian is far from normal and well below average, give or take 3 per cent, 19 times out of 20.

  APATHY SWEEPS THE BY-ELECTIONS | MAR. 25, 2008

  This past week was a big one for Canadian democracy. Four federal by-elections in one day. Big stuff when you consider we're a country with a minority government. And the numbers, they tell quite the story. In fact, they tell multiple stories.

  For the Conservatives, who picked up one seat, the numbers spelled victory. For the Liberals, who picked up three seats, the numbers spelled victory. And for the NDP, who picked up zero seats, somehow the numbers spelled victory. Apparently, the numbers told more stories than Stephen Harper has personalities.

  But one number you didn't hear any of the national leaders talk about was seventy-two. Seventy-two as in 72 per cent. As in 72 per cent of eligible voters didn't vote. They stayed at home. A 72 per cent no-show is not just a case of voter apathy, it's a full-on allergic reaction. The numbers don't lie, and the numbers are telling us the average Canadian voter feels like some guy who can't eat eggs without throwing up being told that his choices are scrambled, fried or poached.

  So why aren't any of our national leaders talking about this problem? Well, because it's their fault. They're the ones in the kitchen, and 72 per cent of the electorate, they just don't like what's on the menu. In fact, the only party that has any bragging rights at all after these by-elections is Elizabeth May's Green Party. It's the only party whose numbers went up. And what's more impressive is that people who actually voted for the Greens did so knowing full well that none of their candidates would actually win. Yet they still managed to get out of bed before five or six o'clock in the evening and vote—and for a lot of Green Party members, that's quite the accomplishment.

  I'm not saying the Greens are a full-on movement. But at least they're moving, which is more than can be said for the rest of them. And as far as I can tell, it looks like the Greens are here to stay—which is a good thing because Stephen Harper, Stéphane Dion and Jack Layton are looking pretty stale and Elizabeth May is a welcome addition. As any chef will tell you, a little bit of vinegar brightens up the vegetables.

  KILLING A TREE WITH

  ELIZABETH MAY

  The leader of the Green Party

  saws down a very dangerous tree

  that was threatening to fall on

  someone's cottage.

  Gatineau, Quebec.

  Broadcast Oct. 17, 2006

  MERCER: The tree is coming down.

  MAY: I think we should discuss it.

  MERCER: Why?

  MAY: Well, because you see that tree represents great habitat for woodpeckers and other cavity-nesting birds.

  MERCER: You would risk that tree landing on his mother's cottage? With his mother inside? Because of a woodpecker?

  MAY: We've got the habitat for mom and kids versus the habitat for the woodpecker, so—

  MERCER: Guess who loses? Let's get the chainsaws.

  ***

  MERCER: How'd that feel?

  MAY: It's a heady sense of power.

  MERCER: This is fantastic. The leader of the Green Party cutting down a tree. It's like Stephen Harper performing a gay marriage.

  NOT COMING ANY TIME SOON TO A CINEMA NEAR YOU

  MARCH 2, 2008

  From the Desk of Prime Minister Stephen Harper

  M
y fellow Conservatives,

  As you have no doubt heard, we are now fixing the criteria for tax credits for Canadian movies and TV shows. From now on we can simply deny the tax credits granted to TV and film productions if we find them obscene or in any way personally offensive to our way of life. Make no mistake about it—this is a very large stick we now wield against the entertainment industry. If we deny them tax credits after they have made their projects and spent their money, they could face bankruptcy. I see the future, my friends, and it's starring Anne of Green Gables.

  As our good friend Charles McVety said recently, this is a victory that can be directly attributed to his organization the Canada Family Action Coalition. It is through their hard work—and lobbying of our Justice Minister, Vic Toews, and our Minister of Public Safety, Stockwell Day, and numerous officials in my office—that we can now ensure that like-minded conservatives have the final say on what kind of TV shows and movies get made in Canada.

  This is just the beginning. Other industries are next. If the Ontario auto sector wants help from this government, then it will have to give cabinet the final say on any new automobile designs.Environment Minister John Baird's assistant Pierre Poilievre will be our front man on that issue. He works hard, is well qualified and has the entire Hot Wheels collection going back to 1978. He also recently got his learner's permit, so I think we are in good hands. He tells me he has some ideas for the new Ford Mustang—something to do with lasers.

  The publishing industry will have to wait until we get a majority. Like you, I look forward to the day when a wise man such as Jim Flaherty can decide what is suitable reading material for all Canadians. Take that Margaret Atwood. Time for some mystery novels, I think.

  For the time being, though, we are busy with cleaning up show business. But as the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished. Now on top of running the country we have to watch all these godforsaken Canadian movies. Who knew there were so many? I certainly didn't.

  Today we screened a new one called Trailer Park Boys. Not only were we not prepared to grant these people a tax credit, we had no choice but to call the police and initiate an instant review of some channel called Showcase. Poor Stockwell had a seizure during the opening credits and began to hyperventilate into a brown paper bag.

  My friends, cutting off tax credits and bankrupting a company is not a decision I make lightly; luckily Trailer Park Boys seems to have been made by a company in Atlantic Canada, so that's okay. This Trailer Parkbusiness just reinforces my belief that the region is mired in a culture of defeat. As I said to Chuck Strahl, our Minister of Indian Affairs—instead of glorifying drugs and violence, they should simply make a nice show like The Forest Rangers. Chuck agreed, offering the kind of insight that makes him one of my most trusted ministers: “You got that right, boss, that Bubbles is no Indian Joe Two Rivers.”

  Helena Guergis had a good idea that could save the production. “Why not add a talking car,” she said, “like Herbie the Love Bug?” Helena loves Herbie. When she was sworn in as Parliamentary Secretary for Foreign Affairs she proudly informed cabinet that she was up to the job and that Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo was her favourite movie of like all time.

  We were about to pencil in the talking car note, but as luck would have it John Baird is also a Herbie aficionado and he reported that the Love Bug did not in fact speak in sentences but communicated by honking his horn, blinking his lights and slamming his hood up and down—a communication technique John admires greatly.

  Throwing his panic bag aside, a horrified Stockwell Day shouted that we could not in good conscience give a tax credit to any project involving a talking car; that such behaviour in a Volkswagen clearly indicated that Herbie was possessed by Satan. He told us the only thing that would fix that Love Bug was a run through a carwash of holy water. This led Peter MacKay to inform us that when he was in university, a “love bug” meant that it hurt when you peed. Peter goes too far sometimes. He tortures Stockwell any chance he can get. Those two are always at it. If it's not arguing over how best to proceed in the Middle East, it's who looks better in fatigues.

  Anyway, we decided that the Trailer Park movie could be saved, but only if all the scenes involving drugs, sex, guns and premarital sex were removed. It comes in at two and a half minutes now. The only things left are shots of Bubbles and his kittens. Like Bubbles, I love kittens! I wish more people would make movies that are about kittens or puppies or rabbits. The film character I relate to most is Lenny in Of Mice and Men. He loved to stroke soft animals but he didn't know his own strength. I can identify with that, let me tell you. Every time I pick up one of the sixty-four kittens now using 24 Sussex as a litter box, Laureen says, “Watch it, Lenny … remember what happened last time.”

  The next movie we had to watch was introduced by Vic Toews, President of the Treasury Board. He was livid. He reported that it was the latest sequel to the most successful film franchise in Quebec. In hushed and serious tones, he told us that the movie was a lurid and violent tale about lesbian boys. He was very concerned that the agenda of the entertainment industry has moved past simply turning our sons gay and is now concentrating on turning them into lesbians. It was quite a bombshell. Lesbian boys? It boggles the mind what passes for entertainment in Quebec.

  Vic wanted an immediate vote on the movie without screening it. As he said, the title was all he needed to know that some tough justice was required to drive this Quebec company out of business tout de suite! (Uh oh—Vic's working on his French.) Vic was shouted down by Gary Lunn, who was sitting next to him. Gary jumped up on his chair, stared straight up at Vic and said, “I want to see the lesbians!” I am relieved to report that Vic was a bit confused, and that the movie was in fact called Les Boys. It's about hockey players. This will get the tax credit, but we must change the title and remove the swearing and the sex.

  Next up was, can you believe it, yet another Trudeau biopic from the CBC, this one titled Trudeau: The Bi-Curious Years. I always suspected the man was a bisexual. Rumour has it he had sex with Barbra Streisand in the pool at 24. (Note to self: have Dimitris call Public Works and have the pool drained and repainted.) This got the tax credit and will no doubt be aired by the CBC seventeen times over the next six months. Oh well, it's their funeral.

  The pleasant surprise of the evening was a movie written by our very own Government House Leader, Peter Van Loan, under his pseudonym Debbie Vanderlear. It is a modern retelling of My Fair Lady about a handsome young man at university who mentors young women in conservative ideology. The man (a cross between Brad Pitt and Barney Rubble) dreams of finding a girl and grooming her to become the prime minister of Canada. After numerous attempts he gives them all the creeps and so has to become prime minister himself. I told him it would get the tax credit as long as they cut the last part where he becomes prime minister. This isn't science fiction, Peter.

  Other highlights of the meeting included killing a David Cronenberg movie, killing a Paul Gross movie and killing a Sarah Polley movie (they have all said bad things about me lately, and the sooner they move on, the better). Also we put the kibosh on some kids' movie about the carbon-dating of dinosaurs (too far-fetched).

  Our next meeting of the Conservative film club is in one week. Until then, God bless Canada and save the aisle seat for me.

  Yours truly,

  Stephen Harper

  HARPER

  VS.

  MARTIN

  It is the unknown that makes politics exciting. It's like baseball that way: there are more pundits than players and occasionally nobody gets it right.

  It was not so long ago that Paul Martin seemed destined to become an unbeatable prime minister who would deliver record majorities to the Liberal Party of Canada. His only foe was Stephen Harper, who by all accounts was an unlikable, uncharismatic leader destined to waste a few years in the opposition benches until the Conservatives could find someone electable to replace him. Times changed. Paul Martin left public life to spend quality time wi
th his money, and Canada became governed by the angry dad.

  BE STRAIGHT WITH US, STEPHEN | DEC. 6, 2005

  The federal election campaign has finally officially begun. After sizing up the week-one performances of both the Tories and the Liberals, all I can say is this: Wow, what a pack of arseholes.

  The prime minister of Canada starts off the campaign of his lifetime by acting hurt because the Tories have said the Liberals are in bed with organized crime. Paul, I hate to break it to you, brother, but nobody cares if people call you names. In fact, everyone in Canada has used far worse words to describe the Liberals than anything Stephen Harper is allowed to say on television in prime time.

  Stephen Harper, to give him credit, has set the agenda since day one. He came out swinging and made it loud and clear that his number-one priority was that he, Stephen Harper, was against gay marriage. Thanks for the clarification there, Stephen. We get it. Despite the poofy new hairdo, the full makeup and the mock turtlenecks, you're not gay. Let it go.

  Eventually, of course, he started talking about something people care about: tax reduction. And why not? A Stephen Harper government would reduce the GST to 5 per cent. And just to drive that point home Stephen Harper walked into a grocery store, covered up the 7 per cent GST sign with his own 5 per cent GST sign. A very sexy photo op, leading one to believe that if he becomes prime minister, he will reduce the GST to 5 per cent. Not true. Read the fine print. Stephen Harper will reduce the GST to 5 per cent in 2011. The year two thousand and eleven—when we're all driving hovercars and eating dehydrated turkey pills.